Inhuman Beings - Close of Play

Close of Play

Friday, 21 November 2008

Sometimes, I think that people at work, particularly managers, think I spend all my time sitting on my arse waiting for them to send me urgent deadlines.

An email came through from the director today, which just typifies all the crap that goes with working in the public sector. Titled, as they always are, "URGENT - Reply Needed" it contained a 84 page word document and the message "New Equality Scheme - public health contribution is required by the close of play today"

Close of Play? WTF? Why can't they just say "by 5pm"? Or does Close of Play have a different meaning, like "before you go home" or "I don't care if you're still here doing this until midnight, just get it done, you work-shy bastard"

Four Minute Warning

Today is Friday. 5pm on Friday is, in my book anyway, the Weekend. Public health don't work weekends. So if I get this thing done by 5pm, who on God's earth is going to read it before Monday?

And anyway, what's with the big rush? Why has something so mundane and non-urgent as an Equality Scheme adopted a sense of urgency akin to an air raid siren, or 4 minute warning?

One thing that people in public services are particularly bad at is covering their tracks in emails. They mindlessly forward on messages without pausing to consider whether there is any incriminating evidence in the email's history.

This is no exception. I like to start at the bottom of an email and work upwards, to see the chain of events that led to my already hectic and target driven Friday being more completely ruined.

Dormant

This particular email started life on September 24th. 2 months ago, after which it was bounced around for 3 weeks, gathering comments and responses, until it landed in my director's inbox, where it has lay dormant since 16th October.

Ricky Gervais once said in The Office that "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part"

A surreptitious chat with the director's PA reveals that the Equalities Team (we have an Equalities Team?) has been on the phone today, wondering why public health is the only directorate to have not yet provided a contribution to the scheme.

Running Jump

It also transpires that, as I am the Equalities lead for public health (I'm the Equalities lead? Since when?) it's up to me to complete our contribution. And instead of the 5 weeks I should have had to complete this, I now have 4 hours. I also have 2 contracts to finish writing, a member of staff to supervise and £6m of service specification to review.

So the Equality Scheme can take a running fucking jump.

I phoned the Equalities Team, who confirmed that the deadline for contributions is, in fact, today. The conversation went like this:

Me: So it's got to be in by 5pm today, yeah?
ET: That's right.
Me: Why?
ET: Erm... because that's the deadline
Me: I know that. What I mean is, why is the deadline 5pm on a Friday? Can't I work on it at home over the weekend and send it in at 9am on Monday morning?
ET: Ummmm, I suppose so. It's just that we told everyone that the deadline is today.
Me: Ok, when is this thing actually going to get read by anyone?
ET: Well, Jenny is taking it to the next Equalities Board Meeting, and she's on leave for 2 weeks.
Me: On leave... And she'll be back when, precisely.
ET: Let me have a look.... 3rd December.
Me: So, if I send it back on 2nd December, it will make exactly no difference?
ET: ermmm
Me: When is the next board meeting?
ET: January 23rd. December's meeting has been cancelled.
Me: so I could actually send it in on Jan 22nd and it would still make exactly no difference?

And so on.

The practical upshot of this was that I'm still supposed to complete it by 5pm today, but if I happen to leave it for another 7 weeks, no-one will actually notice.

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